My sister recently asked me how I was doing. What she meant was "Are you okay?" I was not immediately sure what she was referring to because frankly, this year has been so full of ups and downs. Change lurked around every corner. She could have been talking about any number of things.
But she was talking about Levi.
We all thought Levi would be home with us for Christmas.
It's hard to say his name. It's so much easier just to say "the adoption." When I say his name, I see his face, and when I see his face, well, you can imagine.
So to answer her question.
I'm surprisingly okay.
I hope I'm not in denial here, but I'm extraordinarily okay.
Thanks for asking.
The past year will certainly go down in the record books. I wouldn't have--couldn't have--planned it this way myself. Nobody would. And really, isn't that good news? That when we step out in faith, God will work out his best plan for us...no matter what? No matter how much we plan and strive, how hard we try to arrange and control, no matter the decisions we make, paths we take, messes we create, no matter how long we wait...God is in control and he'll get us where we need to be. That truth has become so real to me. I wear it like a favorite pair of jeans.
I'll take his plan over mine any day.
And you know what? I haven't been this full of hope in a long time. Crazy isn't it? After all the heartache, all the stress, all the unexpected change? I couldn't begin to explain in one single post, but there's a bright shiny new hope written upon my heart. I'll sum it up simply with five familiar words:
Not just because the Bible tells me so. I know it because I've seen it, felt it, prayed it, cried it, and lived it through the mountain top highs and dark valley lows of this year. I'm learning that my messy, sinful, bruised, and battered heart really matters to him. I haven't always believed that, so we are making big progress here.
Jesus loves me this I know.
From the outside, our life and family may look pretty much the same as it did 12 months ago. But let me tell ya', we've changed and grown in ways that cannot be measured by outside appearances. Maybe that was the plan all along.
Yes. Jesus love me. And you. And Levi.
This I know.
This I know.
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Psalm27:13