Friday, August 12, 2011

Losing It

It should have been one simple routine visit to the Dr.'s office.

But first I forgot the paperwork. Then I forgot my wallet.

Yes, I went back and forth between my house and the Dr.'s office three times.

The next day I needed to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy,

but I drove my van to the library.

On a morning run, a song made me cry. I cried hard.

FYI--it is difficult to breathe when you run and cry at the same time.

(Not to mention a little weird.)

My nerves are shot.

I can't tell you how many times this week I've reached for a cup in the cupboard
and the whole stack came crashing to the floor.
After the last cup crash, somebody asked,

"Mom, why are you counting to ten?"

In an effort to feel some sense of control in my life,
I have purged and re-organized my bedroom closet,
spontaneously  hacked down two overgrown bushes,
 and purchased a three month subscription for an online menu planner.
(too many 4:30 grocery runs this week)

I know what you're thinking.

This is not normal.

If you have seen me or had a conversation with me this week,
please take into consideration that I am not in my right state of mind
and forgive me if I didn't carry on a coherent conversation.

It's also entirely possible that I forgot something important--
like deodorant or brushing my teeth.

I'm sorry this post is so random.
My thought process is under extreme duress.

My sister has seen our vacation pictures. She thinks Todd and I look a little "off."

Um. yeah. You could say that.

Funny thing is we thought we were hiding it so well...
until we ended up in an Ohio emergency room because Todd
was having chest pains on our way home to Michigan.

(everything checked out okay after three hours in the ER)

I'd like to think that even under stress and heartache, I've got it all together.

Obviously not.

I'd like to think I can understand what's going on.

I cannot.

This fork in the road has taken me by complete surprise and
I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

And the sad thing is,

I know better.

God gave me a timely reminder this morning from Psalm 46:

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

Maybe its time to live like I believe it.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, O Lord, for I have put my trust in you. 
 Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."  Psalm 143:8


  1. oh, aunt kristi! i'm so sorry about how hard this is on you and uncle todd. your post brings me to tears! praying for comfort and peace for you. love you bunches!

  2. 1. I have been praying about this with you. God keeps bringing these things to my mind: He already knew about Levi. He was already raising money for adoption. He already knows the outcome. He is prepared to prepare you for whatever He calls your to do.

    Honestly, I don't know what that means.

    2. I was reading Andrea's blog this morning and it made me think of you. Go check it out.

    I will keep praying! How well I know how God can turn your life, your heart, and your head upside down!


  3. Oh, Mama!!!! But hello, how much do I love Joy's comment to you? (Sounds eerily familiar!!!) :)

    Praying for solace and peace and the safe return of your wits.


  4. praying, praying, praying. Such an enormous decision. We're hear to listen any time.

    Grace and peace,